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Tuesday , March 9, 2010

THE ASTRO-BEATLES POWER HOUR, by Laura Jane Faulds

Fucking Fuck Yeah, Laura JANE. I did it, Guys! I told you I was going to make astro-Beatles mixes for every zodiac sign, and then I DID. Because I'm awesome, and this is the exact sort of thing that I can contribute, to society. Just call me The Susan Miller of Penny Lane. If you want.

Anyway, yeah, I did this. I did this for EVERYBODY, because I think it's important. I think it's important that every single person reading this goes and makes a playlist of the Astro-Beatles mix I made for them, and then uploads it to their stupid iPod or whatever, listens to it, and has an Astro-Beatles Power Hour with themselves. Then, report back to me. It is so important, to have Astro-Beatles Power Hours. It's just something you need to do, as a human being, in my opinion. It helps you connect to the Universe, and yourself. While living your Astro-Beatles Power Hour, which means, "listening to the Astro-Beatles mix I made you," you should probably do something related to your Zodiac sign. I like to live my Astro-Beatles Power Hours while sitting on my balcony, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and looking at the sky, and thinking about it (the sky), because I'm a Cancer, and that's a very Cancerian experience to have. Tauruses should have Astro-Beatles Power Hours while sitting in the woods. Leos should live Astro-Beatles Power Hours while looking at lions at the zoo. Capricorns should have their Astro-Beatles Power Hours at Starbucks. Etc etc etc. GOD. What would this world do without me??????

I also went through the trouble to bold the Beatles songs from all your Astro-Beatles mixes that I feel are most important to embodying the spirit of your particular Zodiac sign, in case you are one of the crappier Zodiac signs and thusly are too lazy and jaded to participate in an entire Astro-Beatles Power Hour. Please, at very least, do me a favor and listen to those songs, and think about your Zodiac sign.

I promise it's so worth it. Cosmically worth it.

Arieses are aggro and pushy, like John Lennon's moon sign. They should listen primarily to early Beatles songs that are forceful and instructional in nature.

I. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band; II. She Came In Through The Bathroom Window; III. Kansas City/Hey-Hey-Hey-Hey; IV. Slow Down; V. You Can't Do That; VI. Besame Mucho; VII. My Bonnie; VIII. Run For Your Life; IX. Got To Get You Into My Life; X. When I Get Home; XI. Shout; XII. Good Morning Good Morning; XIII. Why Don't We Do It In The Road?; XIV. It Won't Be Long; XV. I'm Down

Tauruses are like trees. They should listen to Beatles songs that sound like the colours green and brown. Also: olive.

I. Back in the USSR; II. One After 909; III. Cry For A Shadow; IV. Old Brown Shoe; V. Get Back; VI. What Goes On; VII. With A Little Help From My Friends; VIII. Maggie Mae; IX. Cayenne; X. I've Got A Feeling; XI. Come Together; XII. Any Time At All; XIII. You Know My Name (Look Up The Number); XIV. Rocky Raccoon; XV. Good Night

Geminis are sharp and peppy, just like the man himself: Sir Paul McCartney (who is a Gemini). Geminis should listen to buoyantly lame Paul classics of lameness, and also some Ringo shit. Ones with "Honey" in the title.

I. The Night Before; II. Honey Don't; III. Step Inside Love/Los Paranoias; IV. Mother Nature's Son; V. I'm Happy Just To Dance With You; VI. The Ballad of John and Yoko; VII. Honey Pie; VIII. Maxwell's Silver Hammer; IX. There's A Place; X. Another Girl; XI. Good Day Sunshine; XII. Think For Yourself; XIII. I Want To Tell You; XIV. Ticket To Ride; XV. Birthday

Beautiful wonderful us Cancers are the moon and the ocean and the stars and the sky. Cancers understand everything and feel shit hard and believe in the magic of the Universe. They cry a lot and also smile quite a bit. Cancerians are the Beatles song "Because", which is the only Beatles song that is TRUE.

I. Here Comes The Sun; II. Rain; III. You're Going To Lose That Girl; IV. Please Mr. Postman; V. Baby's In Black; VI. I'm Only Sleeping; VII. Blue Jay Way; VIII. BECAUSE; IX. Eleanor Rigby; X. I'm Looking Through You; XI. I've Just Seen A Face; XII. The Word; XIII. You've Really Got A Hold On Me; XIV. Julia; XV. Long, Long, Long

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Tags: Astro-Beatles Power Hours, astrology, astrology-themed everything, How to Live, Laura Jane Faulds, Laura Loves the Beatles, The Beatles, The Susan Miller of Penny Lane

Thursday , February 11, 2010

Liz and LJ Present...The Ultimate Beatles Dating Guide!

Isn't it so wonderful when you have a crush on somebody, and then you check your compatibility on the Susan Miller Matchmaker by Sign thing, and Susan Miller's all, "On this pairing I say yes, yes, yes!" and it's the most validating thing in the world?

Yes, yes, yes. As was discussed last Sunday, The Beatles Archetype Zodiac is the second-most important Zodiac in existence, after the regular Zodiac. So, if the regular Zodiac gets a Susan Miller Matchmaker by Sign thing, shouldn't the Beatles Archetype Zodiac get one too? Yes, yes, yes- or possibly "Yeah, yeah, yeah," to quote the Beatles. The first step toward divining your Beatles Archetype Compatibility Profile is figuring out your own Beatles Archetype Zodiac Sign. In case you don't know who the Beatles are, here's a little refresher course:

JOHNS are acerbic, idealistic wiseguys who, deep down, just, like, really need to be loved.

PAULS are cutesy, megalomaniacal pragmatists. Pauls are never wrong. According to Pauls.

GEORGES are studious and dreamy. They are often highly judgmental of Johns and Pauls.

RINGOS are fun-loving sweethearts who may or may not suffer from mild autism. "I'm just happy to be here!" say Ringos, about everything.

Cool! Get ready to find out whether you should break up with John, work it out with Paul, sleep with George, or hold hands with Ringo this coming Sunday. All you need is love, Dudes!

1. JOHN & JOHN: Johns shouldn't date Johns, Johns should marry Johns. For Johns, there is simply no other way. This is why John married Yoko. Because Yoko is a John. So, as Johns, let us all take our cues from actual John, marry Johns, and live the dramatic and unreasonable lives we so passionately crave in John-esque dissonance forever and ever amen. (LJ)

2. JOHN & PAUL: This is a delicate balance. The John/Paul pairing has the potential to be the most complex and fulfilling relationship of the entire Beatles Archetype Zodiac, but it will take a lot of work. The great paradox of the John/Paul romance is that the John will believe him or herself to be perfect and that Paul needs to change, and the Paul will think the same, only in reverse. Best case scenario: both the John and the Paul will learn a valuable lesson in humility, and together, the John and the Paul will attain a transcendent state of "Day in the Life"-like symbiosis. Probably not, though. (LJ)

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Tags: astrology, Barker loves the Beatles, dating, dudes, George Harrison, girls, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, love, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Scrabble, Susan Miller, Valentine's Day, vegan pudding, yoga

Monday , December 14, 2009

Liz & LJ Get Drunk With The Beatles! (The NOGOODFORME Guide To Beatles-Themed Cocktails)

("Cheers to you, Liz and LJ!" say the Beatles.)

If there's one thing Elizabeth Barker and Laura Jane Faulds like better than the Beatles, it's getting drunk- or maybe we mean that the other way round. Recently, nogoodforme reader Kristina B. wrote in inquiring if the Universe's foremost "Beatles-drunks" could put their Beatles-drunkenness to good use and mixologize some Beatles-themed cocktails. "Yeah!", exclaimed Laura Jane, in a subtle reference to "She Loves You." "I'm down!" seconded Barker, which was an allusion to the Beatles song "I'm Down."

And so - on the twenty-ninth anniversary of John Lennon's untimely death - the Beatles-drunks got Beatles-drunk. Laura Jane came up with all the recipes, commissioned Liz to test the John Lennon and the Ringo Starr, claimed the Paul McCartney and the George Harrison for herself, and then phoned up Barker for the first-ever international Beatles-themed cocktail party/teleconference in celebration of the life of John Lennon. It'll probably be an annual event from now on, so do let us know if you'd like us to dial you in next year. Here's what you'll be drinking:

THE JOHN LENNON: STARBUCKS CHRISTMAS BLEND COFFEE & WHISKEY

First of all, the Starbucks at the laundromat across the street was out of Christmas Blend. So I got "Pike Place" or whatever the fuck, and dumped in lots of nutmeg and cinnamon to make it more Christmas-y. At home I added a shot of Jack Daniels plus about a teaspoon of honey, which did little to sweeten up the John Lennon's overwhelming sharpness. It was too bitter for my taste, and hard to take, but strangely satisfying and warmed up my insides real good. What I mean is: excellent work, mixologist Faulds. The John Lennon is exactly like John Lennon, sort of.

A few nights later I made myself another Pike Place John Lennon in hopes that it might make for a good "writing drink," but no dice. Hot whiskey's like Nyquil to me, and even the coffee couldn't overpower its sedative effect. Maybe Pike Place + tequila next time? Which dead legend might that encapsulate?

Also, right before Laura called me I almost Twittered "I want to have Ringo first but then John will get cold," which would've been cute and confusing, but then I forgot or something. Drag. (Liz)

THE PAUL McCARTNEY: APPLE CIDER & VODKA

An instant classic. The Paul McCartney is my new favorite drink, and it tasted exactly like Paul McCartney. I've made out with Paul McCartney several hundred times, and the inside of his mouth tastes like apple cider. That's not necessarily true, but it totally would be if Paul McCartney drank a Paul McCartney, which he should. I'm so happy I discovered the Paul McCartney, because, just like actual Paul McCartney, the Paul McCartney is "Paulicious." You can't taste the vodka at all, so if you like the taste of apple cider, you'll love the taste of (a) Paul McCartney. Let's make it the official drink of 2010! Let's all start going to bars and flippantly ordering Paul McCartneys as if it is the most obvious drink-order in the world. I really think that the Paul McCartney should be an official cocktail that is readily available everywhere, like a Harvey Wallbanger, only less lame. Eventually, somebody will tell actual Paul McCartney that there is a hot new alcoholic beverage named after him, and then he will discover that it was invented by ME, and such will be the tale of how Paul McCartney learns that Laura Jane Faulds is a person who exists in the world. Reason #241200124820 billion why I'm never quitting drinking. (LJ)

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Tags: Barker loves the Beatles, chai, George Harrison, getting drunk, international Beatles-themed cocktail parties, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, Linda McCartney, mixology, orange soda, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, sangria, Starbucks, Yoko Ono

Sunday , November 29, 2009

REST IN PEACE, GEORGE HARRISON

Today is the eight-year anniversary of George Harrison's death, Last year on George Harrison's Death Day, I posted some good writing*, which means I'm off the hook for this year.

George Harrison was dour, sexy, sylphlike, and had killer personal style. I'm very sorry that he died at such a young age. The "Blue Jay Way" video is totally the best part of Magical Mystery Tour, and "Only A Northern Song" is the coolest Beatles song in the Beatles songbook. Let's all have George-centric days today.

*This essay probably sucks, because I wrote it a year ago. I wouldn't know, because I can't really read things I wrote a year ago.

Tags: dourness, George Harrison, Laura loves the Beatles, RIP George, sexiness

Tuesday , November 17, 2009

Liz & LJ Investigate: Who's the Sexiest "Another Girl" Beatle?

RINGO: THE STACY PERALTA OF 1965

LIZ: Well, the sexiest "Another Girl" Beatle definitely ain't Ringo, that's for damn sure! Next!

LJ: Does anybody think Ringo Starr is sexy? Say the sentence "Ringo is sexy" aloud to yourself. What a trip, right? I bet even Ringo's wives were like, "Richard Starkey is a fun-lovin' buttercup with a heart of gold, but um yeah no not really all that sexy." Sucks to be y'all, Barbara Bach and Maureen Starkey! Yet, eleven aberrant seconds into this video, something unearthly happens: Ringo gets sexy. It's when he's wearing giant black sunnies, and one of the other Beatles scratches at the lens of them. In that half-second, Ringo looks like a bitchin' little skate punk who would be really killer to make out with in a 7-11 parking lot while drinking a banana Slurpee. There would be liquor in the banana Slurpee. Ringo "Stacy Peralta" Starr.

PAUL: THE J.LO OF 1965

LJ: It's not Paul. "Another Girl" Paul is one of the least-sexy Pauls of the entire Beatles, trumped only by the non-sexiness fiasco we call "Let It Be" (Ew! By the way) For one thing, his ass looks like a woman's. It appears as though, prior to filming this video, Paul McCartney perused an article in Glamour magazine about how best to flatter one's curves, and then bought the exact jeans it recommended for maximum ass-bodaciousness. Paul's Rubenesque figure is most effectively showcased at 0:24 into "Another Girl". Compare him to George and John. There's a reason I date dudes, and it's not "because I think Beyonce has a hot body."

Secondly: he looks so uncomfortable when he plays the babe like a guitar (1:07, 1:41)! It's really gross and sexist to play a babe like a guitar, but if you're going to play a babe like a guitar, you ought to be raunchy about it. They really picked the wrong Beatle to play a babe like a guitar. This is probably the sole occasion I will ever champion Mick Jagger over Paul McCartney at anything, but I think Mick could probably show Paul a thing or two about how to be a sexy dirtbag at playing a babe like a guitar. Paul looks like a cherub and that is adorable and I love him. But he also looks like he would be more at home drinking apple juice than whiskey, and possibly wearing a bib while doing so.

He really works that black t-shirt, however. It compliments his alabaster complexion.

LIZ: Right now I'm reading a book about Paul McCartney; the third chapter starts like this: "He had a softness about him in those days. He was still a little chubby, for one thing - the layer of baby fat that saw Paul into early adolescence had stuck with him, thanks in part to the cakes and treats supplied to the motherless McCartney boys from their loving aunts. This weakness proved useful to younger brother Mike, who realized early on that he could always provoke an explosion from Paul with a well-timed catcall of fatty." Oh poor teenage Paul, you motherless little cake-eating fatty! Of course, Paul slimmed down in due time, but it's funny that he held onto "the rump," at least for the duration of the "Another Girl" video. More importantly, it intensifies my Paul affinity tenfold, on account of the fact that I too am possessed of a "bodacious ass." It's both a blessing and burden - like, sometimes you're walking down the street in Venice and a car pulls up and a dude leans out and asks, "Hey, where'd a white girl like you get an ass like that?" and it's so annoying and steam comes out of your ears as you shout back: "Ah, put a sock in it, will ya?!"* before stomping away. And then other times you want to post Califone's "Your Golden Ass" in Heavy Rotation and comment "This one goes out to MYSELF" and maybe pair it with "Ms. New Booty," but then you get shy and chicken out. But most of the time it's all pretty awesome, and I'm sorta sad for "Another Girl" Paul that this is one shared gift of ours that's not so much of asset on "his end." Okay, I'm stopping now.

*Sadly, my actual response was "SHUT UP!", and I probably sounded a lot like Cherita in Donnie Darko.

JOHN: THE MOST GALLANT GOOFBALL IN THE WORLD, EVS

LIZ: As everyone in the world already knows, 1965 John Lennon is my favorite John Lennon. "Another Girl" is like the apex of the vortex of 1965 John cuteness, a veritable carnival of cute, maybe even The Cuteness World's Fair. John in that jaunty little cap that makes me want to marry him? John on drums? John lying in a hole and doing weird arm-dancing moves while George towers over him with his foxy guitar? John doing more weird arm-dancing at 1:52 and grinning like the most gallant goofball in the world evs? Slays me, all of it. "Don't ever change, 'Another Girl' John!" I shout out semi-asshole-ishly, and feel halfway bad about it, but not really.

LJ: I will never think John Lennon is sexy. Bros shouldn't bang their bros, you know? Still- what a sweet goon! In other news, isn't it weird to see the 1965 Beatles wearing pale denim in a tropical location? Before 1965, you only ever saw them wearing black suits in Britain. Or America or wherever. Or grey suits.

GEORGE: IT'S GEORGE

LJ: This video marks a pivotal moment in George Harrison's transition from ugly gawky duckling to dark, sexy swan. In A Hard Day's Night, George Harrison is a bony-looking child. By HELP!, George Harrison has become the #1 Person from All Human History I Would Most Want To Have Sex With. Speaking of dudes playing babes like they were a guitar: please fast-forward "Another Girl" to 1:49. I wish George Harrison would play me like he plays that guitar, and I mean that sluttily. Wouldn't it be awesome if I got the words I'D RATHER BE HAVING SEX WITH GEORGE HARRISON tattooed across my forehead?

LIZ: Whoa, is it creepy that I've kinda got the hots for A Hard Day's Night George? Sure, he looks about 12 and all, but in that first scene I just want to rip that weird crusty roll or whatever from his hands, toss it out the train window, muss up his hair, and French him for a good ten minutes or so. Gross?

Anyway, yes, John is the cutest "Another Girl" Beatle, but George wins the sexy cookoff yet again. He's like the Yankees of Beatles Sexiness. I hate the Yankees but I love George Harrison. Life is a mind puzzle - an awesome mind puzzle.

Tags: Another Girl, Barker loves the Beatles, Beyonce, George Harrison, HELP!, J.Lo, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, sexiness, Stacy Peralta, The New York Yankees

Friday , November 6, 2009

All-Time Top 5 Reasons Why "Hello Goodbye" by The Beatles is the Best Video Ever Made

I. THE DANCE SEQUENCE, THE WAVING-AT-THE-CAMERA BITS, AND EVERYTHING BEFORE, AFTER & IN-BETWEEN

What I mean is: If you've never seen the "Hello Goodbye" video before, you should probably watch it now, as it's maybe the most happy-making thing you'd could possibly do right this instant. What I also mean is: Imagine what a more beautiful world it would be if everybody took "Hello Goodbye" Video Breaks instead of coffee breaks or cigarette breaks? If that was the way you "recharged your batteries"? Like, in the middle of some shitty-hectic day at the office, your pal Susie from accounts receivable would buzz you for a quick chat and you'd be all, "Yeah, cool, just come with me while I watch the 'Hello Goodbye' video" - and then you'd do just that, and afterward you'd both feel totally refreshed and ready to take on the day! And after work you'd probably still feel amazing enough to plant pink daisies in a community garden or calculate an algorithm for world peace. Try it for a week and see what happens. You can probably drink your coffee and/or smoke your cigarette while you watch, even. (Liz)

II. THREE MINUTES AND THIRTY-THREE SECONDS OF RINGO STARR BEING MY FAVOURITE BEATLE

For a long time, I claimed that Ringo looks like a "robot mouse" in the "Hello Goodbye" video, but I have since changed my opinion, because 1) I think it's dumb to write about robots, and 2) I think "mice" is a really pedestrian choice of rodent to say a Beatle, or anybody, bears resemblance to. The truth is, Ringo looks like a gopher in the "Hello Goodbye" video. Actually, he looks like a "tot gopher", which is a term I just invented to describe Ringo Starr's physical appearance in the "Hello Goodbye" video, especially at 1:47, when he shakes his head and smiles. I mean this as an extreme compliment. Also, on "Hello Goodbye" day, Ringo Starr was having the greatest hair day of his entire life.

Richie's such a champ for being the Beatle who agreed to wear the pink Sgt. Pepper suit. He works it. Dudes should take sartorial cues from "Hello Goodbye" Ringo more often, and wear tons of pink. Once, I was on a drug, and I was hallucinating in my head, and I imagined the Ringo album cover came to life, only instead of "RINGO", it said "RINGO IS PINK." It only now occurs to me what my subconscious was going for. Neat! (Laura Jane)

"Ringo, I Love You", by Bonnie Jo Mason, AKA Cherilyn Sarkisian, AKA CHER

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Tags: Barker loves the Beatles, dourness, George Harrison, hallucinating, Hello Goodbye, Hello Goodbye Video Breaks, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, Paul McCartney, pink daisies, Ringo Starr, sexy comedy, time travel, tot gophers, world peace

Sunday , October 25, 2009

Liz & LJ Investigate: Who's the Bigger Beardo, John or Paul?

LIZ: A few Sundays ago Emily "Switchfoot" Richmond and I were hanging out on Bobbie, drinking Tecate and eating oversized chocolate chocolate chip cookies. "I don't think Paul McCartney is sexy!" Switchfoot shouted suddenly, throwing an oversized chocolate chocolate chip cookie at my head. "I don't either!" I responded wide-eyedly, my mouth full of cookie that'd just bounced off my nose. "Unless he's got a beard," I added. "Paul + beard always equals sexy." Then Emily nodded in agreement, and we each shotgunned a fresh can of Tecate and went to Chipotle to buy salad. The salad was soooo good, and we also ate chips with guacamole.

Cut to two or something Fridays later and I'm on the phone with LJ, who asks: "Do you think Paul McCartney is sexy?" "No, I don't!" I responded wide-eyedly, my mouth full of cookie that'd just bounced off my nose. "Unless he's got a beard," I added. "Paul + beard always equals sexy." Then Laura told me I was disgusting, and then after that she emailed me a link to a video of Bearded Paul McCartney singing "Let It Be," accompanied by the statement "Liz has Retarded Beatles Opinions." But I don't have retarded Beatles opinions! Sexiness is subjective, and Bearded Paul McCartney is just the bee's knees in my sexy book. With Pre-Beard Paul I've got this real innocent affection, a sort of pre-adolescent lovey-doveyness: I wanna hold his hand, and maybe neck a little on the couch with my parents safely sleeping upstairs, but that's about it. With Bearded Paul, I wanna hold his hand and more, but in a real romantic, in-love-for-life kinda way - me and him burning matches, lifting latches, and all the rest. It's a rare thing to gaze upon a man and realize, "Dear sir, I'm very interested in having emotionally profound marital relations with you," and I think it's really beautiful that I've found that in Bearded Paul. "Beautiful," as in "not disgusting." So there.

Ugly Beard Paul Singing "Let It Be":

LJ: Subjectivity is the spice of life, and, for the most part, it's pretty convenient how Barker and I have such wildly divergent tastes in dudes (not counting Michael Showalter). It's nice to know that no dude- except maybe Michael Showalter, who once came between us- will ever come between us. So: good. Goody good good, Elizabeth Barker. Take your Anthony Kiedis and your Benicio Del Toro and your Andrew Wilson. Zero judgment, my sister. But Bearded Paul? Bearded Paul?? BEARDED PAUL?!? Out of every Paul incarnation, you pick BEARD PAUL??? That is just so jacked. If it were the 1960s, and Paul McCartney was a friend of mine, and we'd hung out a bunch in '67, fallen out of touch for two years, and then re-hooked up in January of 1969, I would be aghast at how "retardedly disgusting" my old friend looked. I would grasp him by the forearm, look deep into his eyes, nod slowly, and say "Dude- you've really let yourself go."

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Tags: beardos, beards, Benicio Del Toro, cookies, emotionally profound marital relations, George Harrison, John Lennon, Michael Showalter, Paul McCartney, sexiness, Spencer Pratt, tomatoes

Sunday , September 27, 2009

"Getting Back To Where We Once Belonged," by Elizabeth Barker & Laura Jane Faulds

INTRO. "THE VERSUS A" (Laura Jane)

The other night, I was talking to Elizabeth Barker on the telephone. We were talking about John Lennon, Paul McCartney, "dichotomies," and how "John v. Paul" is pretty much "The Ultimate Dichotomy." If you're ever trying to further your understanding of "good vs. bad" or "cool vs. lame," "sex vs. love" or "crazy vs. sane"- you may as well just spare yourself a whole lot of hassle, and examine the polarity in question through the "Lennon v. McCartney" lens. From Hamburg to HELP!, "Helter Skelter" to "How Do You Sleep?"- John and Paul already did most of the work for you.

That night, Barker was talking about how Philip Norman's seminal Lennon biog is called The Life, whereas the upcoming Paul McCartney mondo-bio is entitled A Life. Facetiously, Liz suggested that perhaps "The vs. A" is the most enlightening "John v. Paul"-specific opposition of all. We laughed, bantered, moved on, and later, hung up. Some hours passed, the night fell, I got bored, was alone. I got to thinking about "The vs. A," and, hilariously, reached the surprising conclusion that "The vs. A" actually does say (almost) everything about the "John v. Paul" dichotomy.

Paul McCartney as an individual is not particularly compelling. He's "just a guy." He's adorable and charismatic of course, but Paul's gift is for storytelling above all else. Paul's stories are golden. They are meticulously-crafted, and they are perfect. Paul songs sound like Paul (jaunty; well-rounded), but they're never about Paul. They are objects unto themselves.

John Lennon, on the other hand, is the object. John songs are haunting and disorderly, because John Lennon lived a haunted and disordered life. John songs are explicitly about what it felt like to be John Lennon on the day he wrote it; each one is imbued with the same beguile, neurosis and emotional intensity that makes John Lennon's life story so captivating within itself.

Paul McCartney is a genius because he wrote those songs; John Lennon was a genius because he wrote those songs. Paul McCartney nails it; John Lennon wings it. Paul McCartney was a Beatle, but John Lennon was The Beatles.

Perhaps Elizabeth Barker would beg to differ, but instead, she'll tell you a story...

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Tags: alcohol, apples, boyfriends, boys, Christmas, cockiness, dichotomies, Elizabeth Barker, Girl, Helter Skelter, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Laura Jane Faulds, Laura Loves The Beatles, marijuana, Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney, sexism, The Beatles, Whole Foods

Wednesday , August 5, 2009

The Young Person's Guide to the Beatles: The Compleat Beatles Astrological Analysis

I believe in astrology, but I don't only believe in astrology. Mostly, I believe in my belief system being "believe whatever you want," and if one of those beliefs is "believing in astrology," then I believe in that.

Another thing I believe is that, whether or not you believe astrology is real, astrology is real. It accounts for approximately one-twelfth of why any and/or everybody's life is the way it is. This belief applies even to the Beatles! I mean, really- the fact that the Beatles happened at all is so epically crazy-mazing that shouldn't it be proof enough that Zodio-Cosmic* action is active in the Universe?

Astrology is tons more than the shlock of schloppy Schlitz uptight, narrow-minded, short-sighted little hypocrites blindly believe it to be. I wish I could condemn half-assedly Wiccan NoCal soccer mommies and the horoscopes page of Cosmopolitan magazine to the deepest depths of Satan's harem for ruining astrology for the rest of us. The world is not just Twitter, public transit, and Big Gulps. It's also planets, moons, constellations, and eclipses. It's semi-naive to discredit the impact of cosmic flux upon our lives and liveliness. If everybody believed in astrology, we'd be way more attuned to the natural environment, and then maybe there wouldn't be an eco-crisis and/or a dumb economic recession that is presently fucking my, and everybody's, life/lives over.

Maybe that statement is one-twelfth true. But enough hemming and hawing; my moon's not in Whiny, it's in Abbey Road. Let's ASTRO-BEATLES it!!!!

*"Zodio-Cosmic= the astro-equivalent of "socio-economic."

I. HOW JOHN LENNON NARROWLY ESCAPED THE LIFE OF A MENTAL PATIENT

No duhsville, John Lennon's sun sign is "Libra." John (October 9th, 1940) is the posterchild for the Libran temperament. Librans are imbalanced, quick-witted, unsettingly charismatic, and plagued by self-doubt. Anytime anybody ever asks me to explain Libras, I just say "John Lennon was a Libra. 'Nuff said." Then, I yell "BOOYAH!" and do that thing frat boys do where you shake your hand really fast and it makes a snapping noise. Just lying! I would never say "Booyah."

Second most importantly, about John Winston Lennon's astrological profile: his moon is in Aquarius. Generally, a person's moon sign is representative of his or her Internal Experience. Your moon sign tells the story of how you process and understand your Sun Sign Self. It's your "Dark Side of the Moon," as it were.

Having an Aquarius moon is supposedly kind of awesome, because Aquarius is all about sensitivity and perception and self-reflection. But it seems to me that John Lennon's getting stuck with an Aquarius moon was kind of shit breaks for him. Aquarius and Libra are the two flakiest, flightiest, spaciest signs of the whole Zodiac. A Libra-Aquarius would undoubtedly be inclined towards the conceptual in a pretty cool way- as was our John- but would also be entirely disconnected from life's most basic principles of common sense. The only thing that saved one twelfth of John Lennon from ending up in the loony bin is that he was an Aries Rising.

If your sun sign is you-you, and your moon sign is The Inner You, your rising sign (or, "ascendant") is your outer-you: the you that everybody else sees. Aries would be a killer ascendant to have, because Aries is the most straight-up, pro-active, "get what you want outta life, and fast!" sign of the Zodiac. Being an Aries Rising implies that you function most effectively from the outside in. Which sheds much light upon how a mad, madcap, irrational space cadet from a shit town in Northern England became one of the most influential cultural figures of the 20th Century.

+ Continue reading "The Young Person's Guide to the Beatles: The Compleat Beatles Astrological Analysis"

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Wednesday , July 29, 2009

The Young Person's Guide to the Beatles: IF PEOPLE WERE BEATLES SONGS

ABOVE: Starring Laura "Can I Take You Out to the Pictures?" Jane Faulds as Maxwell's Silver Hammer, Kat "Vibrating Bottle of Blue Nun Wine" as Long, Long, Long, Elizabeth "I Don't Care" Barker as Ticket to Ride, and Emily "Take it Eeeeeeaasy" RIchmond as Everybody's Got Something to Hide (Except Me and My Monkey)

Figuring out which Beatle you'd be is a breeze. It's child's play, not to mention a walk in the park. It's practically an equation: loud-mouthed lunatics are Johns, cutesy egomaniacs are Pauls, pensive dweebs are Georges, and everybody else is a Ringo. A squared + B squared = Paul McCartney.

Figuring out your Spirit Animal is infinitely more satisfying than figuring out your Spirit Beatle- while there are only four Beatles to pick from, there are hundreds of thousands of millions of billions of animals! There are rarely Spirit Animal overlaps, unless you know a million people, which I don't. Once, Emily Richmond and I met a dude whose Spirit Animal was a black lamb surfing on lava! How many people in the world are black lambs surfing on lava? Only him, as far as I know. Having a Spirit Animal compounds your individuality, whereas having a Spirit Beatle indicates only that you are part of 25% of the population, which I bet you already knew.

But sadly, figuring out your Spirit Animal is so 2008. It's time to get over Spirit Animals, just like we all got over gladiator sandals and the Ultimate Fashion Challenge. "Figuring Out What Beatles Song You Would Be" is the "Figuring Out Your Spirit Animal" of 2009. It blends the self-reflective complexity of picking a Spirit Animal with the Beatles-relatedness of figuring out which Beatle you are! To quote Michael Showalter, Michael Ian Black, and David Wain: it's purrrrrrr-fect.

I. THE "IF PEOPLE WERE BEATLES SONGS" PRIMER, KIND OF

There is no one way to figure out what Beatles song you would be. Like Transcendental Meditation, it's hard. Like Primal Scream Therapy, it's worth it. Here are some tips, from Dr. Laura Jane, the expert:

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Tags: black lambs surfing on lava, Don Draper, Emily Richmond, George Harrison, If People Were Beatles Songs, John Lennon, Kat Asharya, Laura Jane Faulds, Laura loves the Beatles, Liz Barker, Maxwell's Silver Hammer, Paul McCartney, Primal Scream Therapy, Ringo Starr, spirit animals, Steve Martin, The Young Person's Guide to the Beatles, transcendental meditation

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